Posted in General Posts by Jess Gasperin on 4/25/2012
A sweaty, dirty, beautiful…
Talk about culture shock, we left what felt like the middle of nowhere jungles of Malaysia to come to the literal middle of no where village of Cambodia. Last month we were living in a ‘cave’ (aka the air conditioned learning center that had no windows and was the perfect escape from the sweltering heat) and this month we’re living in an oven…a tin roofed building where if caught between the wrong hours you roast inside of.
And yet there’s something beautiful…
Our water is the local bathing pond,
Some days it’s ox
Others it’s naked neighbor children
Most of the time it’s our pet ducks and chickens and
Everyday it’s our ‘shower’
And yet there’s something beautiful about having water rush over your body
The closest store is 2 hours away
The local lady sells iced coffee and sugar cane juice (ice made of the same local water)
The Local market sells a limited variety of ‘biscuits’ (cookie crackers)
And yet there’s something beautiful about an unending supply of fresh mangos (that often crash on the roof of our tin house in the middle of the night, startling everyone)
I’ve never seen such creatures as the ones in Cambodia
Spiders the size of my face
Cockroaches crawling up my stomach in the middle of the night
Little hopper bugs that convince you that you have fleas all day long
And yet there’s something beautiful about the shrieks and laughter of a team that just encountered one of these creations
We sleep on dirty sheets
On top of dirt filled pads
Laying on a filthy floor
In a tiny room that is roasting
And yet there’s something beautiful about those 8 seconds of osculation from the fan you get every now and then
This place is beautiful
The dirt,
The sweat,
The rashes (and yes I’ve been consumed by rashes since day one here)
The exhaustion
A sweaty, dirty Beatufiul….
Despite it all,
Despite all the discomforts of the physical in which we are surrounded
There’s something rewarding about this place.
Maybe it’s the children running around outside, laughter pouring from their lips at 6 am waiting for their 8 am English class.
Maybe it’s the rush of a thousand feet running for the most recent mango that crashed to the ground
Maybe it’s the sound of children singing their hearts out to God
Maybe it's the tenderness of a lice covered head resting on your shoulder just to be with you
Maybe it’s the joy of simplicity
Maybe it’s everything…
This place, this country, the arm pit of Asia, it’s beautiful…
sweaty, dirty and
beautiful
(photos to be added when we have more than a tiny internet stick...)
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Posted in General Posts by Jess Gasperin on 4/22/2012
It’s early morning here in Cambodia and I’m currently sitting in the shade of a bamboo shelter class room, eating village shaved ice-listening to the crickets of the coconut trees overpower the worship on my ipod as I chase the handful of chickens out from beneath my feet…I love this place-I love the freshly shaken mangos that fall to the dirt below, the endless laughter that surrounds our lot-the simplicity of life, having no desire to do anything but focus my heat on the Spirit…I’ll even go out on a limb and say I enjoy the humor of the frustrating ants that invade EVERYTHING, the dogs and family of geese that walk all over my feet under the table waiting for scraps. I love the irony of showering, knowing that all I am accomplishing is adding more dirt to my hair and body than before…barefeet across silk dirt, rotten teeth in every childs smile, sticky mango hands, reading an entire book in one day, hunger-starving for the Spirit, the blessing of a cool breeze, stolen moments in the hammock, the beauty of it all-the simplity of an uninterrupted life…the power of a focused heart….
“happy are those who focus their heart on God for they will actually see God.” (Matthew 5:8)
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Posted in General Posts by Jess Gasperin on 3/23/2012
So, on top of everything awesome and exciting and incredible that was and happened in Thailand I experienced some surreal moments, some awful days, and freedom like I never have before.
When we first got to Chiang Mai we were blessed with incredible accommodations, we had running hot water, beds, fans, air condition, everything. It was glorious, and it should have led to many wonderful nights of sleep…but it seemed to be the opposite for a few girls on my team and myself.
Every night for a week an a half straight I had tormenting, terrifying, life gripping nightmares. On one particular night I woke up clinging to my chest, gasping for air, so painfully that one of the girls woke up and asked if I was ok. I had dreams of my mom being alive again and my dad dying instead that left me so uncertain of reality when I woke up. These nightmares were never ending, and it affected every part of me, I was afraid of falling asleep, my body wouldn’t allow me to either. Every time I would almost hit that place of sleep my body would clench up and wake me up again. It was awful and exhausting.
It was only after I dreamt that demons were surrounding our house, reaching their arms in the windows attempting to touch us, but couldn’t quite reach and couldn’t get it, that we started taking all these restless nights seriously.
We spent hours interceding for all of us who couldn’t sleep, and the Lord answered our prayers. At the same time I began to realize that there was a lot of things I had not dealt with since my mom’s passing. I sat down with my dear friend Carly Brown one night and she looked me in the eyes, seeing past my joyful facade, and told me that it was ‘ok to feel.’
Wow.
It wasn’t until this moment that I broke, really broke. She was the first person to sit me down, stare straight into my heart, not just ask how I was doing, but see how I was really doing and tell me it was ok.
It was ok to grieve,
Ok to hurt,
Ok to cry,
To feel.
And that one phrase led to uncountable conversations and moments of emotion that I never wanted to start surfacing.
It began the process of healing
And when I came back to the race I thought I was coming back to finish strong, bring joy and go on with life but God had something so different, something so completely foreign to me, something overwhelmingly uncomfortable.
And that’s where I am
Completely uncomfortable, but walking into healing. (slowly)
It's a holy pain I'm feeling,
and it will take a lifetime of grieving,
but...
I'm
Accepting the grief, the hurt, the loss and embracing the tears.
I learned last month that it is ok to feel and that simple truth has wrecked my joyful façade and led me straight into the arms of the only one who can bring true comfort.
And that night, that very night I allowed myself to feel, to hurt, I released this floating lantern into the sky knowing that it can be seen from heaven
and that leads me to rejoice,
in the freedom of grieving...
I'll forever love you mom....
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Posted in General Posts by Jess Gasperin on 3/23/2012
Wow, Thailand….
It’s been a crazy, quick, unforgettable, beautiful 3 weeks
Thailand was a dream 8 years in the making, a dream that begun when I gave my life to Christ and it was a dream come true to say the least.
This was a month where the girls divided from the guys and our group headed up north to Chiang Mai. I was told on the plane to Thailand that “Chaing Mai is the Texas of Thailand, we have overwhelming pride over our city like Americans do over their state…” And after living there for a few weeks I completely understand and totally agree, I can’t say enough incredible and passionate things about Chiang Mai.
I started this month working with Lighthouse in Actions outreach to University students but ended that a week after arrival because the students were all studying for exams and heading out on break. It was week 2 that I joined up with Love Acts and started going to the bars.
I had been warned that I would experience feelings of hatred, disgust, and that I would be sickened by the men sitting in these bars but my first night out was not at all what I had expected.
The first bar we walked in we were greeted by a huge smile and warm welcomes from the bar manager. We sat down only long enough to order a few diet cokes (which became a major addiction this month, if it hand’t been prior to this haha, but 3 a night, whew, they did me in…) and immediately started playing a game of pool (until this moment I had no idea how awfully poor my pool skills were…). We laughed and joked and the bar owner attempted with all her effort to fine tune my very sorry pool skills for the next hour and then went on our way to the next bar.
We went bar after bar for the next few hours and hoping to make some connections the first night that we could pursue further over the next few weeks. The first night though I met a wonderful woman at a bar called ‘Star’, her name was ‘Saw,’ I had no idea that she would be someone very special to me at the end of the month.
Over the next few weeks we spent everyday in the bars, whether it was going in the afternoon and setting up ‘dates’ with our friends or heading out at night to drink diet cokes and play pool. Night after night I saw heartache, I felt heartache and it all hit me when I saw a friend dear to the hearts of many in our group dancing on top of a ‘john’ with her shirt off right in the middle of this busy place. And surprisingly I wasn’t sickened, I wasn’t sickened by the ‘john,’ by what was being allowed out here in the opened, my heart was simply saddened.
Night after night I saw these ‘men’ out looking for a little attention, a little affection, sitting in these bars with a smile on their face, that to me, looked nothing but fake. I realized that more than anything my heart was saddened. These men, whether young or old are fathers, brothers, sons, and friends. These are men who are hurting, hopeless, lonely, and broken. We heard story after story of groups who sat and had conversations with these men and each one had the same theme; something in their life had broke them and led them here. It ripped me. I mean, I just came back from a very lonely and broken home, a place with deep void, a father with a lot of pain. I watched him hurt, and cry and heard the loneliness in his every word, every email. I’ve seen this pain, this brokenness, that leads the men to these places. (I praise the Lord that my dad would never be in such a place but I can see how that desperate brokenness can lead people to these places).
I was saddened.
Saddened for the brokenness of these men,
Saddened for the jobs of these women.
Saddened for the darkness that the bar street was drowning in.
And yet there is light, there is joy, Christ is moving and working on that street, in those bars, in those women, even in those men.
Over a 3 week period we saw the most popular bars be almost completely empty, we saw women leaving their jobs in the bars and joining the ministry’s coffee shop to work, we sat and shared the Love of Christ with women who have never heard the name of Jesus. We laughed, we prayed, we loved, we ate with, we went shopping with these women, our friends. And that’s what we left with, a bunch of friends.
I saw how relationships changed in these bars, from women just coming over to say a simple hello to bar owners and all the girls in that bar running up to you as soon as you enter giving you hugs and saying they missed you.
It was a beautiful transformation that is still in the process, the battle is not over, it’s just begun for us, for me, the fight to see Christ’s victory over these women in the bars, over the customers who come, over that street.
(Side note thoughts:)
I mentioned ‘saw’ earlier in this post but she became one of my closest friends this month, we spent hours upon hours in the bar where she worked hanging out with the girls, playing pool, eating bugs, dancing, and laughing. We even had some opportunities to take her out to lunch, out shopping, eat dinner together and the opportunity to share with her that I am a Christian and what that means, as well as a bit of my story. Please keep her in your prayers, she wants nothing more than to get out of the bars and get a job in the bank so that her 5 year old daughter Mai May can come and live with her.
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Posted in General Posts by Jess Gasperin on 2/29/2012
The day began as much the same as all other days do here, a walk to the local 7-11 for yogurt, a stroll through the market in search of fresh fruit, breakfast under the awning as the house awakens. But this morning was slightly different, I was heading to another part of Thailand, to the villages while my team was headed to the bars.
Katie and I boarded a bus around 1 pm (which thankfully the buses leave promptly here, whether full or not) and headed to a region of Thailand known as Mae Sot. It’s amazing how different the atmosphere, culture, and landscape change just minutes outside of the city. We sat as hours of mountains, rain forests, rice fields, and street markets passed. This was the Thailand I imagined; women bent over, straw hats shading from the sun, coconut trees so high you can’t see the top, hills so green with life, I was so thankful but more than the scenery I was thankful for where we were headed.
As is usual for my travel experiences (well frankly, my life experiences) things don’t always go smoothly and just as we were nearing the city limits of Mae Sot we stopped at an immigration check point (in Thailand you have to always have your passport on you in case you encounter scenarios like this). The immigration officer casually check Katie’s passport and then mine and I panicked as the expression on his face changed instantly;
“where your stamp?”
“What? I don’t have a stamp? I went through customs….with her, how do I not have a stamp..”
“you look, but no stamp, you must come with me…”
We proceed to get off the bus with all our stuff and sit on the side of the road, and watch our bus leave and for the next while as he talks with his ‘commander.’ He comes back and announces;
“you are illegal, you must call head place, you’re in Thailand Illegually…”
perfect, this is just great, now what? I can’t say I’m surprised…
After making a few calls (none of which accomplished anything but made him feel better) he says we can go…
Ok great, how do we get anywhere, our bus is gone, it’s nighttime, there’s really no one around…
Next thing we know we’re being thrown into a van with thai men that could eat us for dinner, being dropped at a local gas station (not sure why, at this point we’re completely clueless and no one speaks English..) then hurried into another truck and finally taken to the local bus depot. So the great news is we reached our destination(ish) but now that our bus arrived long before us all of the tuk-tuks are gone. We find a random moto guy lounging around and spend the next hour trying to explain where we are going via thai friends on the phone. At the end of the day we found our hotel and rested up for Saturday.
7 years and hundreds of letters led to this day, the reason why I traveled hours on a bus, the reason why I wanted to do missions in the first place and today was the day I would meet my Compassion child Anutai.
(side note:) when I gave my life to Christ 7 years ago one of the first things He told me to do was sponsor a child through Compassion and I chose him. This sweet 5 year old Thai child created in me a desire, a longing to go overseas, to go specifically to Thailand and at that point I had no idea what missions was or that missionaries even existed.
We pulled up to the Church nestled in the middle of his village and the first thing I heard when I got out of the car was the sound of hundreds of little voices singing. (It brought me back to the first time I visited my little Compassion girls in Africa, but there was something different about this visit, I’d been waiting, anticipating and praying for this day for 7 years). We stood outside the office as I saw him walking over, flowers in hand, smile swept wide across his face.
My gosh how he’d grown,
His handsome little face was no longer 5,
His hair Mo hawked
His smile so shy but anxious
What an overwhelming moment
All I wanted to do was grab him in my arms and hug till I couldn’t let go
He bowed and placed the flowers on our head and in our hands
(this is asia, greetings are so different)
We sat at the table as wondering eyes were glued to us…they chopped some coconuts out of the tree, stuck some straws in and we sat and talked.
They told me he had quit school and that his family and him were Buddhist, his parents had split up and he was now living in someone else’s home…
My heart ached but passion to fight for him rushed through my veins
We strolled to his house and were graciously greeted by a tiny Thai woman, she welcomed us in and for the next few hours we just sat, talked, laughed, exchanged gifts and played with his 2 year old twin sisters.
She asked if we could eat a snack together and came quickly with a huge bowl of dough.
We all sat and rolled dough balls,
It’s amazing how cooking needs no translation,
How the simple act of joining someone in preparing food can bring you so much closer,
How laughter can bridge language gaps and unite cultures.
His mom prepared us a donut sort of treat and a traditional thai dessert (basically dough balls in coconut milk soup) We ate until they stopped serving us and then had to head to lunch.
Anutai and I had the honor to spend the rest of the day together, visiting the school he promised to attend at the beginning of the next school year, eating pork and noodles, seeing local waterfalls, indulging in ice cream, touring the Church, and ending the day resting on the bamboo porch of the Pastor’s house.
I got to live life with the one on the other side of a letter,
It was a beautiful, unforgettable day.
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Posted in General Posts by Jess Gasperin on 2/23/2012
Here are just a few snapshots of what our month will be looking like, as you scroll please pray for us as we week to bring the Kingdom in these dark and desperate places, and BELIEVE that God is working, He's doing something wild and great and full of HIMSELF in the bars of Chiang Mai!!!
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Posted in General Posts by Jess Gasperin on 2/21/2012
No words I could write now would begin to hold comparison to the weight of heartache I felt in my last post, and yet I could ramble on and on and still never fully explain the weight of Joy I feel right now.
so bear with me here...
When I went home I had no idea what I would be in store for, I had every intention of just sitting back and letting people love on, take care of, and look after me but if you know me at all you know about "jess mode" which is where I went immeditely...I had very little time to just sit and breath and was completely uninterested in 'deep meaningful moments' but the Lord works in insane ways and after 2 weeks of just 'being' I decided to start 'living' at home and actually, maybe, trying to put into place the things He had taught me on the course of my race up until this point...I had no idea He would choose this time of deep sorrow, despair and tragedy to do miracles, but HE DID!
Long story short, after hours of discussion on prayer the Lord recaptured my heart and a few friends and I began asking and believing Him for miracles and boy did He ever give them, (a boy covered in cancer completely healed!!!!!!!) (more on this later)
Flash Forward a few days,
I'm sitting on an african bus, in the sweltering hot sun, waiting, 5 hours of sitting and waiting for the bus to fill up, watching as the mobs of bus owners literally fought and drug people to fll up their bus...
Yeah, I'm back in Africa...
5 hours after the 5 hours I sat I show up, completely unannounced at the door of my teams contact for the month, walk into the lantern dim room and watch as faces turn to complete shock (they had no idea I was coming back!), I immeditely felt like I was home.
My team was nearing the end of our time in Uganda and I figured my relationships with the community would be few and far between with the few days I had there and that ministry would be winding down to a close.
This time I was in for a shock...
Walking down the dirt road to the futbol pitch I was run over by 2 precious girls screaming-arms slung wide, prepared to jump into mine... one about the age of 4 and the other maybe 7, they instantly captured my heart. They were attached to our side, they walked with us to Church, to the soccer matches, to anywhere we might be going...
sweet Ida and Samiette
And then came someone who changed my life...
[url=http://www.flickr.com/photos/jessicagasperin/6776770200/][img]http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7182/6776770200_b651d6b4ae.jpg[/img][/url]
[url=http://www.flickr.com/photos/jessicagasperin/6776770200/]_DSC1051[/url] by [url=http://www.flickr.com/people/jessicagasperin/]Jess Gasperin[/url], on Flickr
[url=http://www.flickr.com/photos/jessicagasperin/6776770200/][img]http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7182/6776770200_b651d6b4ae.jpg[/img][/url]
[url=http://www.flickr.com/photos/jessicagasperin/6776770200/]_DSC1051[/url] by [url=http://www.flickr.com/people/jessicagasperin/]Jess Gasperin[/url], on Flickr
Reinette,
maybe 12 years old,
most loving, tender, affectionate child I had ever met,
you couldn't help but feel loved by her,
be loved on through her,
and fall in love with her!
in the 13 days I was in Mbarara Uganda she loved on me as if we'd been friends for years. Her beautiful smile brought me joy in my weakest moments and her kind words always came right when I needed them.
On our last evening together she came running over after school, lept immeditely into my arms and didn't let me go for hours. I didn't know until I looked down to the small stiffled sniffles how much I would miss her, how dear she was to me. Reinette buried her head in my chest and wept. I didn't expect this-to have become so loved by someone so quickly, to love someone so quickly but it happened and the Lord surprised me. I thought I was coming into the end of something and really I was just beginning someting that will forever last.
After we said our final goodbye, I walked sluggishly inside and was immeditely met with a team mates question; "What stained your dress?"
"Tears...sweet tears that I hope never wash out..."
13 days will pass you by so quickly you won't even believe they've been lived, 13 days can feel like a life time or they can pass in the blink of an eye and in 13 days a sweet girl can come into your life and steal an unexpected piece of your heart. Reinette will always be my sweet Ugandan sister whose tears forever stained my dress and who forever captured my heart.
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Posted in General Posts by Jess Gasperin on 1/8/2012
Tragedy...
it's like the bite of a viper-shocking, it sends a burn throughout your entire body, until, before you know it you fade into numb...
Over the last 6 months I've walked into homes, into lives, knocked on doors and went in. From the outside everything seems fine, normal, undisturbed
it's not until you walk in that you see the mess, until you open the doors do you see the hidden broken, you discover the lonely...the real life story is told upon walking in....
From the outside everything's just as it was-right in it's place
{the dogs running around barking, cars sitting in the drive, deer eating in the front yard, the creek flows calming as always}
when you look close enough, take a second glance, you might notice a single rose-lying wilted on the front porch balcony
it's the only sign that indicates change and it tells the story, stands as a reminder of the tragedy that changed my life forever....
[Christmas Morning, 6am: Nygatare, Rwanda]
we woke up early as we do every morning, to the screams of the 1yr. old Joshua in the living room...but today was different, it was Christmas!
I jumped online and found an email from my sister;
"hey,
Mom's not doing good today. She has had lower abdominal pain, she's been throwing up all day, and passed out in the bathroom.She said that she doesn't want to go the hospital and dad doesn't want to take her against her will unless she's throwing up blood or something. I just wanted to let you know. I'm sorry you're going to get this on Christmas."
My stomach went weak
I hit my knees....
Our morning went on as usual, we opened stockings, ate the classic rwandan breakfast of chapatti and hard boiled eggs, we got dressed and walked to Church...
The second I sat down it hit me,
A train....
i broke out in cold sweats, was hit with an instant migraine, felt weak all over, thought i might pass out, and began to cry
I couldn't get out of church quick enough, i began, the what seemed forever walk back to our house and on the way the Lord came and met with me, he looked at me through the tears and He spoke through the confusion;
"take heart my child, today is the day, today I'm holding your mom, today I'm lifting her from that bed and into my Presence. Be still my child and know that I AM God"
I didn't want to believe it, I just kept walking and crashed on the floor in our room, I began to weep, to pray, to beg the Lord....
it was 4 am in the states but I wasn't concerned with waking anyone up, I skyped the house phone...
my sister,
delusional, answered the phone, I'm sure the urgency in my voice woke her
up, i told her to start praying and asked how mom was...
nothing was wrong, she was sleeping, "she's fine Jessie"
[Mallory walked in the room and asked if I was ok, I told her I was worried sick, that something was happening..we prayed and I laid there until everyone returned from Chruch...]
we were wisked off to the Pastors father's village for Christmas lunch,
I was still uneasy
we sat there for hours, all I wanted was to get back and call home
anxiety
it's the only thing I felt as I plugged in the internet stick to call home and wish everyone a merry Christmas
5 messages popped up once it connected
"call home immeditely"
"jessie, call home asap.."
"Jess you need to call home.."
"Oh my gosh Jess, I'm so sorry, please call home..."
"JESS, CALL HOME"
{I knew}
my teary eyed little sister answered the phone, practically unable to speak, all I could hear was my weeping father in the background yelling "tell her, just tell her..."
I didn't need to hear it, I didn't want to...I knew
"Mom died this morning Jessie... she's gone...she died at 6am"
I felt my heart rip out of my body, shock race through every inch
I couldn't control the screams, the tears, the anger, the heart ache...
the next few hours were a blur spent on the phone, on the computer, making arrangements to get home, to figure out what to do next...
{and before I knew it I was sitting on a plane
heading home to face the tragedy}
_________________________________________________________
Week 1:
From the second I stepped foot on American soil I was lost,
lost in planning,
in sympathy cards,
in visitors,
in decisions,
finances,
seeing my mom's body,
making funeral arrangements,
ordering flowers,
lost in my heart broken father,
feeling out my sister...
in the million things that are required after someone passes
{I couldn't breathe}
{I couldn't think}
{I couldn't grieve}
I felt like I had to be strong because all that surrounded me was
heart break,
weakness,
vulnerablity,
someone had to be strong,
someone had to make decisions,
someone had to do the hard job,
someone had to make dinner,
clean the house,
open mom's christmas presents,
hold my family as the wept,
someone had to do it....
[It had to be me]
The funeral came, I spoke (the Lord told me I needed to speak the day she died)
so here I was, standing before people, faces, tears, heartache
I had the honor to share these words: {this is for everyone who was at the service who asked for a written copy of my words, as well as for all of you who could not make it}
"I just want to appreciate everyone who is sitting before me today, this room is a testimony of love, the love that you have for me, my sister, my father, and my mom...I hope you know how loved I feel in your presence...some of you may not have known my mother at all, but so much of who I am is because of who she was, you may have never met her face to face but you brush her, glimpse her every time you are around my sister or I and if she could stand her today and say anything to all of you it would be, "thank you, thank you for loving my girls, my precious girls with all the love you have to give..." So I want to say thank you for her, a gratitude from the bottom of my heart...
[url=http://www.flickr.com/photos/jessicagasperin/6664202833/][img]http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7035/6664202833_4f6c1c7474.jpg[/img][/url]
[url=http://www.flickr.com/photos/jessicagasperin/6664202833/]_DSC7263[/url] by [url=http://www.flickr.com/people/jessicagasperin/]Jess Gasperin[/url], on Flickr
My mom, she knew how to laugh, how to love, she had a heart of gold and would have and did do anything for anyone. Her humor lit up the room and her dance moves rocked the house. She supported every crazy notion, idea or dream we had. She taught me to appreciate the small things and laugh at the hard, encouraged my heart to discover the world-showed me how to appreciate culture and tradition. She had a heart of adventure and spent years exploring the depths of the ocean floors, trying every asian cuisine she could get her hands on, and photographing the Eiffel Tower. When she simply looked at you, you knew you were loved and when she hugged you you felt safe.
My mom had been sick for the last few years, she was suffering, she was depressed, she was ready to quit. She never complained and I never saw anything but strength in her.
Over the last 6 months I've been traveling the world and during this time the Lord has brought me so far, taught me so much, drove me to my knees for my family, given me a spirit of battle to fight for healing for my mom. Not a day went by that I didn't beg her healing...
it was almost a month ago today that I was sitting in the living room of our pastor's house in Kenya when the Lord Jesus showed up and gave me a vision, a vision I want to share here today:
"Jesus, he was walking into her room-there's an embarassed recgonition-she knows who He is and she sees herself, looks shamefully and recognizes her rags...He takes her by the hand and lifts her out of the bed, she stumbles out still ashamed, weak and downcast...He puts his hand on her face-lifts up her chin to look into His eyes. He caresses her cheek, she forgets all shame and humiliation and becomes completely overwhelmed with His beauty-She's never seen such beauty but it fills. He runs His hands through her thinning hair-a smile so warm swept across His face, she's beginning to feel beautiful. He looks longingly into her eyes-she Knows she's seen- she knows His love-He kisses her forehead, there's no more doubt in His love...She's Falling, already fallen, understanding Love at First sight. He takes her hand and leads her away, away from the dark place she's been hiding-away from depression and loneliness . He leads her into the light of His thro
ne room-she remembers her rags-she begins to feel shame but He REMOVES them and adorns her with garmets of righteousness-a gown of beauty-confidence is evident...He lavishes her in divine perfumes, the stench is gone...He embraces her and she finally feels safe...He leads her in dance, aware she doesn't know the steps but eager to teach them to her, she legs go of all inhabitions and just dances....Felling the warmth of His hand in hers-the grace in her mistakes, the beauty she's clothed in and the healing of her soul...SHE'S ALIVE! "
These past 6 months have been the hardest of my life but the surest I've ever lived. Day after day the Lord taught me how to fight for healing, to expect it and believe it-to me it was the physical, the healing the eyes could see and the hand could touch...The day He gave me this, He spoke, He said,
"it's so much more my beloved, my healing HAS come, you can't see it with your eyes, you can't feel it with your touch but it's there-believe me child, I've heard your every plea, caught your every tear, and today I'm telling you, Your mother is healed..."
~{}~
Christmas Day, not the day any of us expected-not the way anyone expects the most anticipated morning of the year to go. And yet that's the beauty of Christmas- no one expected the Lord jesus to be born in the filth of the stable-but when he took his first breath Hope was born...Hope for the entire world, the day He was born was the day life was given, a life after this one. HOPE WAS BORN. My mom took her last breath on the day he took his first....
She opened the gift of life and she now lives
forever in hope,
forever in joy
forever in healing
everlasting
unrelenting
Love.
{What a beautiful day}
__________________________________________
________
the funeral ended, everyone went home, the flowers that once sent sweet aromas throughout the house now sit wilted, withering....
our house is quiet,
it's lonely
it's not the same,
i don't think it will ever be...
I'm learning how to live in the new normal, uncertain if the pain ever goes away, uncertain how to go on with life when one of the biggest parts of my life is gone
it's nights like tonight, when no one is around, that it hits, the tears fall, the heart hurts, reality sickens but peace surrounds...
"his peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus..."
{philippians 4:7}
His peace,
my rest
my assurance
my strength
my joy
a lonely rose sits on our porch, a tribute to my mom, the only indication on the outside of this lovely house....
but when you walk in you see,
it's a lonely home...
[url=http://www.flickr.com/photos/jessicagasperin/6664202833/][img]http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7035/6664202833_4f6c1c7474.jpg[/img][/url]
[url=http://www.flickr.com/photos/jessicagasperin/6664202833/]_DSC7263[/url] by [url=http://www.flickr.com/people/jessicagasperin/]Jess Gasperin[/url], on Flickr
{thank you for your words of comfort, your prayers, your love during this very difficult time, all of you mean the world to me}
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